“Do you want a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t care… as long as it’s healthy!”
Katie and I have been talking about this lately. How when people are asked this question, that is the answer that usually follows. And how sometimes hearing that stings. Sometimes it makes us mad. And sometimes it doesn’t. It’s all a part of the grieving process, which I suppose we are still going through.
At first, when Ryan was little, and we were suffering through the diagnosis and still figuring out how to care for a medically fragile child, if we heard this comment we would get so fired up thinking how insensitive it was for someone to say this around us. Around our “unhealthy” child. But in hindsight, I don’t blame them. Hell, how many times did I say this myself? I remember praying/begging/hoping every day of my pregnancy with Charlie that I would have a healthy baby. I had suffered an early miscarriage before Charlie and I was not only terrified of losing another baby but terrified of not losing a baby that might have something wrong with it. When I was pregnant with Ryan and we found out that something might actually be wrong with our baby I remember the feeling of pure dread upon learning that our beautiful baby girl (who looked absolutely perfect on the outside) could have something wrong on the inside that could potentially change the course of our lives forever.
So what happens if your baby isn’t healthy? What happens when that perfect boy or girl you dreamed about your entire life isn’t what you expected?
The truth? You mourn. You mourn the loss of the baby you thought you were supposed to have. You cry. You get pissed. You ask “Why me?”. And that’s OK.
But you also love that baby. You love that baby in a way you never knew possible. You learn about how strong you and your family are. And how lucky you are for having the baby you were supposed to have all along.
And what do you do when people say “As long as it’s healthy!”? Well, I guess that depends on the day. Sometimes I still get pissed. But usually I don’t. Because now I know I’m the lucky one. I get to celebrate the smallest milestones that I would have normally taken for granted. And I get to spend every day with a miracle who has opened my eyes and my heart to a beauty I didn’t know existed. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing – good or bad.
Our spring has been a very busy one so far… filled with mostly good things. The bad was when Ryan had her tonsils and adenoids out and a 4th set of PE tubes put in. It was a rough 2 weeks with her in a lot of pain and not eating or drinking much. And having tonsil breath. Holy shit. That’s bad, people. Real bad. But she recovered and is happier than we’ve ever seen her and eating more than ever!
March brought lots of fun and lots of Madness!!!!
Next post….. Baseball season! Ryan will start playing at the Joe Nuxhall Miracle League next week and we can’t wait!